By Deana Nall
Published January 4, 2006
Here I am in a dark theater waiting for “King Kong” to start.
I don’t want to see this movie. But I’m married to a man who does. And he played his trump card: “How many chick flicks have you dragged me to?”
So here we sit. I know “King Kong” is a well-made movie with lots of special effects. It’s just that three-hour movies featuring overgrown primates are not my idea of fun. To help pass the time, I will chronicle my “King Kong” experience just for you.
4:19 p.m. After nearly 20 minutes of previews, “King Kong” begins.
4:40 p.m. Still no overgrown primate.
4:45 p.m. Now some people are on a ship. It looks like one of those cruise ships passengers keep getting sick on.
4:52 p.m. Hey! Dolphins!
4:57 p.m. Still no monkey. I’m heading to the snack bar.
5:13 p.m. I stood in line forever, but not long enough. Still no monkey.
5:17 p.m. The people on the ship have reached an island. It looks like the kind of place your senior class might have had to go to if your class officers spent all the senior trip money on prom.
5:28 p.m. Nothing good has happened to anyone so far. The island is inhabited by people in dire need of makeovers and social skills. A woman and her two young children in front of us just got up and left.
5:30 p.m. Where’s the dang monkey?!
5:31 p.m. Oh. There he is.
5:32 p.m. (WARNING! FEMINIST RANT TO FOLLOW) The girl faints! All the progress women have made and we’re still fainting in movies?
5:45 p.m. Note to self: If you’re ever being chased by a pack of dinosaurs, a machine gun won’t do you much good.
5:47 p.m. A dinosaur just ate somebody. I’m wondering what our children and their babysitter, the ever-fun Brittyn Thompson, are doing right now. Probably watching “Polar Express,” eating Cocoa Puffs out of the box and having a great time.
6:01 p.m. Really bad things are still happening to everyone. Not much dialogue here.
6:09 p.m. If you’ve been hankering for a lot of ape/dinosaur combat, this is the movie for you.
6:12 p.m. Isn’t that the guy from “Shallow Hal?”
6:15 p.m. Giant worms that suck people to death. Now this is entertainment!
6:24 p.m. Bathroom break.
6:41 p.m. I’ve just about had it with this movie.
7:06 p.m. I wonder what’s going on in “Cheaper by the Dozen 2” next door.
7:11 p.m. I have SO had it with this movie.
7:16 p.m. Monkey’s dead. Let’s go!
And now for some of Deana’s “King Kong” Facts:
RUNNING TIME: 187 minutes
RUNNING TIME IF THEY HAD HIRED ME AS AN EDITOR: 17.5 minutes
COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SUB-PLOT: The young stowaway and his mentor, who have apparently started a maritime Book-of-the-Month club, because the film keeps cutting away to their book discussions.
TYPO SIGHTING: A sign in the window of a vaudeville theater reads “Enquire Within.”
Do I recommend this movie? Sure. If you show up an hour-and-a-half late. You won’t miss a thing.
Now I’m off to the chick flick of my choice. I think I’ve earned it.