Qualified Writers?

By Deana Nall
Baytown Sun

Published January 11, 2006

First it was Sarah Ferguson. Then Madonna. Now it’s Sen. Ted Kennedy.

Apparently, if you’re famous — no matter how you got that way — you are qualified to write children’s books.

And I’m getting little tired of it.

Take Madonna, for instance. She has several children’s books out right now. You can even buy box sets of them.

Here’s a fun parent-child activity for you and your 9-year-old. Go to Amazon.com and do a search for books by Madonna. You’ll find “The English Roses,” “Mr. Peabody’s Apples” and “The Adventures of Abdi.”

And right between those last two, you’ll also find “Sex.” That X-rated, black-and-white photo-laden atrocity that Madonna published when she was still trying to shock the tar out of everyone. To the left of the book’s title, where a picture of the book’s cover should be, are the words “NO IMAGE AVAILABLE.”

Hmm... I wonder why that is?

Hey, I know Madonna has found religion (she has a book about that, too) and she’s a different person than she used to be. I believe people can change.

But do you really want to snuggle up with your third-grader at night and read a book written by same person who penned these lyrics?

“Bad girl, drunk by six

Kissing someone else’s lips.

Smoked too many cigarettes today

I’m not happy when I act this way.”

Kind of a catchy rhyme, now that I think about it. Could be fun to jump rope to.

Personally, I’ve ignored Madonna’s book-writing attempts. But now here comes Sen. Ted Kennedy and his book about a dog named “Splash”. (Curious name choice, considering the circumstances of Chappaquiddick.) It’s called “My Senator and Me: A Dog’s-Eye View of Washington, D.C.”

According to Scholastic Inc., the book’s publisher, the book “not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator’s life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law.”

The bill becoming a law part doesn’t bother me. But a day in Ted Kennedy’s life? Now THAT’s scary.

Since there seem to be no restrictions on who can write for children, why stop at a controversial pop star and a politician with questionable personal choices? Here’s a list of books and their authors that I expect to see in the near future:

• “‘A’ is for #!$%: Teaching Kids the Alphabet, Four Letters at a Time” by Howard Stern

• “Your First Lemonade Stand: Business Know-How for Kids” by Ken Lay

• “How to Party Your Way Through Adulthood Without Going to College or Getting a Job” by Paris Hilton

• “The Little Marriage That Couldn’t” by Jessica Simpson

• “Food is for Losers: A Fitness Guide for Pre-Teens” co-authored by Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan

• “Ritalin Might Make You Wet the Bed: Alternative Healing for Little Scientologists” by Tom Cruise

As long as publishers keep churning out whatever celebrities write, this is what we have to look forward to.

Happy reading!