The Gynecological Adventures of a Deana
Woman: I think you didn't get your forms in the mail because we have an old address for you.
Me: OK...(giving her our "new" street address)
Woman: And you're still living in Lonoke?
Me: I've never lived in Lonoke.
Woman: Hmmm...is your date of birth 11/2/54?
Me: NINETEEN FIFTY-FOUR???
(I wasn't trying to be rude. But 1954? Really???)
So she got all that straightened out. At least I hope she did. I would hate for my Pap smear to show pre-cancerous cells on my cervix and Jeannie in Lonoke getting the phone call instead of me.
Then I sat down and immersed myself in a five-month-old copy of Southern Living. Then, "Deana Hall?"
I walked up to the nurse.
Nurse: Hello! How are you today?
Me: I'm great. But I need to let you know that I'm not really Deana Hall. I'm Deana Nall. I just respond to the name that sounds the most like mine.
Nurse: (looking quite puzzled) Let me check on that. I'll be right back.
A minute later, the nurse returned with a triumphant look on her face. "You're right! It's Deana Nall!"
I was right! About my very own name! What a moment.
Then I was ushered to a bathroom, where I had to roll my eyes when I realized I was peeing into a cup labeled "Dena Hall." (And rolling your eyes while peeing into a cup is not easy. You should try it some time.)
Once in the exam room, I glanced at my chart and anything else with my name on it to make sure it was right. In case the real Dena Hall was scheduled for major surgery that morning. But everything checked out. "Deana C. Nall" -- my official, legal, correctly-spelled name was on everything.
On my way out, the cheerful nurse (who had pronounced my name correctly up until this point) called out "Bye, Dee-Anna!"
I can't wait to see what they call me next year.
Here's what I don't get. My name is really not that hard. It's not like I'm Polish or anything. It's not like I'm Attitaya Indrakamhang, the photographer I knew while working on the college newspaper whose name we had to meticulously type into every single one of her photo credits. That poor girl probably never goes to the doctor. It's probably not worth the hassle.