Anybody wanna buy a house?

By Deana Nall
The Baytown Sun

Published June 28, 2006

Selling a home is not for the faint of heart, I have learned. You wouldn’t believe all the wisdom I have gained just from having our house on the market for a couple of weeks.

For those of you who are considering selling your house, I’ve compiled this handy guide — based on our experience so far — called “House Selling 101” or “Hey! All the Dirty Dishes WILL Fit in the Freezer!”

1) Get your house looking really nice. Put it on the market.

2) Your husband will now leave town for a week on a “business” trip. You married no dummy.

3) As soon as he leaves, come down with a hideous sinus infection. Pass it on to your oldest child. Your toddler, however, will continue to feel fine and have as much energy as ever.

4) Lie around the house with a triple-digit fever while your non-sick child tears up the house. Answer the phone. It’s the realtor. She wants to show your house.

5) Down some Tylenol. Hide the messes in cabinets, under beds and inside major appliances.

6) Get your kids in the car and drive deliriously around the neighborhood while the realtor shows your house. Pray no one opens the oven and find the laundry basket full of dirty clothes. When the realtor’s gone, go home. Pass out.

7) Repeat this process daily for a week, until your husband comes home... sick.

I can only hope it gets better from here.

Maybe what we need is another family to live in our house while we’re trying to sell it. That may sound crazy, but Centex Homes is doing just that in one of their model homes in California. Except it’s not a real family. They are actors who pretend to be a family while prospective buyers walk through the house.

Members of the fake family hang out in the house, bake a “surprise” birthday cake for the fake mom, and occasionally yell out phrases that I’m sure all of us say when we’re home with our families, such as “I sure love these granite countertops!” and “Isn’t it cool having a washer and dryer upstairs?”

I’d rather show prospective buyers what life is really like inside our house. I’d hire a dad to accidentally set something on fire in the kitchen. And a mom who desperately wants to go to the bathroom, but no one in her family will let her. I’d also get a 7-year-old to periodically burst into tears, run to her room and slam the door. And I’d need a toddler to gleefully grind an entire bag of Cheetos into the carpet.

Maybe it could be like a running soap opera so potential buyers could come back every week to see what happens next. Will Mom make it to the bathroom? Is the 7-year-old headed for therapy? Is the baby headed for juvenile detention? Can this marriage be saved after Dad turns on the oven with the laundry basket of dirty clothes still inside?

Stay tuned. And somebody, please! Buy our house.