Giving up on mom magazines

By Deana Nall
Baytown Sun

Published August 24, 2005

I’m about to end a relationship. I’ve tried to make it work for years, but I’m on the verge of giving up.

It’s the “mom magazines.” You know, the ones like The Family Circle and Woman’s Day. The ones my mom bought when I was a kid that I thought I was supposed to read once I got married and had kids. I just don’t think I can read another one.

These magazines are pretty easy to differentiate from the twenty-something, independent single-woman magazines. Those magazines have pictures of actresses whose cleavage doesn’t quite fit all the way into their clothing. Mom magazines feature photos of bouquets of flowers on gingham tablecloths and hunks of apple pie with ice cream dripping down the sides.

I’m not opposed to apple pie and gingham. It’s just that these magazines don’t make me feel very ... hip.

And moms need to feel hip. Oh, boy, do we ever. Let’s just take a look at what my Monday was like. While lying on the floor playing with my one-year-old, I lifted her up high above my head and then set her back down with a “sploosh” on my stomach. I use the word “sploosh” because that’s the sound her diaper made when her “surprise for Mommy” exploded out the sides.

After getting cleaned up, I turned on the TV, sat the baby in front of it and said, “Look! Teletubbies! Yay!” in hopes that she would be distracted long enough for me to check email.

In my pre-mom days, I would have never even uttered the word “Teletubbies,” especially with the word “yay.” Now I can name all four of them. In order.

I’m not sure how this decline into the unhip begins. It must be when we start buying those floor-length, “keep-your-hands-to-yourself” kind of nightgowns while we’re pregnant. Next thing you know, we’re strapping on fanny packs, hopping into mini-vans and reading mom magazines.

According to some of the copies lying around my house, editors of these publications think the moms of America need to know about “15 Winter Knitting Projects,” “How to Clear the Clutter” and “Easy Ways to Lose 20 Pounds Fast.”

First of all, I could never get through one knitting project, let alone 15. If I got rid of all my clutter, my house would be completely empty. And I already know how to lose 20 pounds fast. I step on the scale, then put my child down and weigh again. I’m instantly 20 pounds lighter! It’s quite exhilarating.

Lately, I’ve noticed one common factor in these mom magazines. They are obsessed with “belly fat.” Just try finding an issue of “Women’s World” that doesn’t have the words “belly fat” on the cover. Inside, you’ll find ways to hide your belly fat. Ways to lose your belly fat. Ways to decorate your home with belly fat. Hopefully soon, they’ll move on to something else.

Oh, well. I know the point of being a mom is not to be cool. I guess we have to lose our hipness so our kids can have something to be embarrassed about when they’re teenagers.

So I guess I’ll stick with the mom magazines a little while longer. Who knows? I might even take up knitting.

Deana Nall’s column appears every Wednesday. Her email address is cldjnall@verizon.net.