GOOTS sighting

By Deana Nall
The Baytown Sun

Published Aug. 3, 2005

It was bound to happen.

Last week, I just happened to show up at Luby's on Tuesday -- just a very short distance away from the table where my fellow columnist Jim Finley and his revered GOOTs would soon gather for their weekly meeting.

If you don't know about the GOOTs (Gathering of Old Toots), don't be alarmed. It's just a group of guys who get together to eat and discuss sports and other manly things.

That day at Luby's, I was having a meeting of my own. My two girls and I were conducting the business of the "Dining Is A Precious Event, Really" club, or "DIAPER." The name describes what an accomplishment it is to eat in public with two small children. The acronym is in honor of the one member of our group who still isn't quite in control of her bodily functions. I don't want to embarrass her by naming names.

Anyway, we had been sitting there a while when, one by one, GOOTs started showing up. Then it hit me. It's Tuesday! The GOOTs are coming!

It really was a sight to behold. And I was reminded of how different men and women are when they get together around food.

If my peers and I met for lunch every week, here's what we'd talk about. Childbirth. And it wouldn't matter if we were eating. We'd talk about our stitches and our mucous plugs and which piece of furniture we ruined when our water broke. All while sinking our teeth into cute little sandwiches at some quaint, girly-type place like The Mustard Seed.

Guys don't talk about this stuff. Ever. In fact, all I have to do to get my husband to leave the room is utter the word "episiotomy."

Since witnessing last week's GOOTs meeting, I now know what guys talk about. But I would feel bad about sharing it here. Jim Finley could sneak into one of my women-only Bunco parties and write about it in his next column to get back at me. Then I'd be done for. So instead, I'm going to share what I didn't hear from the GOOTs table in this wonderfully imaginative Top Ten list I have compiled.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear at a GOOTs Meeting:
10. "Man, I hate sports."
9. "You know, we really should give back to the community. Let's sell apples or something."
8. "I know! Next week, let's bring our wives."
7. "I still don't get it. How is offense different from defense?"
6. "This Jell-O salad is out of this world!"
5. "Have you heard? It's Clinique bonus time!"
4. "Let's meet at the Teapot Depot next week. They have such a cute little gift shop."
3. "Hey! Finley's actually eating something!"
2. "Brad and Jen split up. Foley's is changing names. It's just too much for me to handle right now."
1. "It's football season? AGAIN?"

Deana Nall's column appears every Wednesday. Her email address is cldjnall@verizon.net.