Spinach

Today I was meeting with some people and we were asked to share something we regret. I shared something but kept a few other things to myself. Including one thing I will now share with you. I didn’t want to mention it today because I’m still trying to get to know people here and the last thing I need is for them to think I’m a COMPLETELY HORRIBLE PERSON. Although quite a few people from church read my blog, so they’re going to find out anyway. Oh, well.
It was my freshman year of college and I was home on a break. The guy I had dated through much of high school had a new girlfriend. I thought she was sort of a skank, and she had called me at work and harassed me once. Plus she was dating my ex, and that’s a perfectly good reason not to like someone, right?

So one night, my friend and I were hanging out and we decided we should do something somewhat vindictive toward this person. Because I did not like her. Because she was a skank dating my ex. I feel like I should give this person a name for this story’s sake, but I don’t want to use her real name. I think I’ll go with BLARGH because I don’t know anyone named that and that way no one I know will get mad at me.

DISCLAIMER: The friend mentioned in this story was NOT my bff Carol. Carol is too sweet and good to ever dream up anything like what I’m about to describe. My accomplice in this story was a friend from high school with whom I’m no longer in contact. For this story, I think I’ll call her SMOOSH because I don’t know anyone named that, and…well, you know.

SMOOSH and I wanted to do something obnoxious to BLARGH, but nothing destructive. Nothing that would really get us in trouble. After poking around in SMOOSH’s kitchen, we came up with a giant, Sam’s-sized can of spinach. We opened it (we had to saw it open with a knife because we couldn’t find the can opener) drove over to BLARGH’s house and dumped the spinach all over the back of her car. Then SMOOSH and I decided we should split up and pretend we hadn’t seen each other all night. Because if someone knew we had been together, it might be easier for us to get implicated in this totally obnoxious and immature (but funny… I mean, come on) act. So SMOOSH dropped me off at home and she went to her house.

I hadn’t been home very long when I got a call from my ex. What the heck – I’ll use his real name. Jason was FUMING. He knew it was SMOOSH and I who were responsible. Did we really think we could get away with this? Didn’t I know this was vandalism? Didn’t I know BLARGH’s dad was a cop? I vehemently denied the whole thing, told Jason he was delusional and hung up.

Then I started to worry. I called SMOOSH and let her know Jason was on to us. We knew we had to come up with a way to make people think we had nothing to do with this. I told her I would come up with something and hung up. Then genius struck. I had the perfect idea. My parents weren’t home. I went into the kitchen, got an egg out of the refrigerator, went outside and threw it against the back window of my car. Then I went inside, got a snack and turned on the TV.

After a while, my parents came home. Somebody had egged my car, they said! You have GOT to be kidding. I ran outside and feigned surprise and shock. Who could have done this? I went back inside and called Jason. You will never believe this, I said. Someone egged my car. And was it HIM? HUH? WAS IT?

No, it wasn’t him! He swore he had nothing to do with it. Then he said, “You know, it sounds like someone knows we used to date and they’re just trying to mess with us by getting BLARGH’s car and your car.”

That makes sense, I told him. That must be it. We hung up and that is the last SMOOSH and I ever heard about the incident.

But you know what? Come to think of it, I don’t really regret what SMOOSH and I did that night. I still think it’s pretty funny, actually. Not sure what that says about me.