Published November 02, 2005
Dear Higher-Up Big Shots at Nabisco,
How I love you, oh ingenious creators of the Oreo. For that product alone, you have my eternal loyalty.
Your cookies are a big part of who I am today. Namely, my thighs.
But I must express my concern about one of your other Oreo products. The “Golden Uh-Oh! Oreos with Chocolate Creme.” The cookie itself is OK, although I don’t know why the original Oreo needed to be tampered with in the first place. What really bothers me is the cookie’s name. Let me be honest. As a consumer, I don’t really want to eat something that has “Uh-Oh!” printed on the package.
Sure, you say it’s a fun little marketing strategy. To you, the “Uh-Oh!” on your packaging means “Uh-oh, we accidentally used chocolate creme instead of vanilla. Aren’t we cute?” But it could also mean “Uh-oh, a cookie machine technician named ‘Bud’ lost a thumb in the gears three years ago and we still haven’t found it. Enjoy your cookies.”
Your company is not the only one engaging in this ridiculousness. Quaker Oats is currently marketing “Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! ChocoDonuts” cereal. I’m not sure what the “Oops!” means. The cereal resembles little chocolate doughnuts, and, if you ask me, there’s nothing “Oops!” about chocolate doughnuts. A few years ago, you could also buy “Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! All Berries” cereal. Supposedly, the Crunchberry machine went haywire and started filling boxes with just Crunchberries and not the little square crunchy things that have traditionally accompanied the Crunchberries.
I’ve steered clear of any variety of Cap’n Crunch ever since this “Oops!” nonsense began. Just between you and me, I think the Cap’n is getting a little senile.
In fact, all of this “accidental” food production is giving me the creeps. I like for the packaging on my food products to be free of apologies, disclaimers, panicked exclamations, and four-letter expletives. I wouldn’t be surprised if we started seeing commercials for “The Jolly Green Giant and His @#$% Broccoli Spears.”
Let’s save the disclaimers for products that actually need them. Just think of all the trouble that would have been avoided if those “flu shot” syringes had “Uh-Oh!” printed across them.
I’m just asking you to name your products what they are. Come on, would you buy a car with “Whoops! Hope the brakes work” printed across the windshield? Or a pair of blue jeans with “Yikes! Your caboose looks HUGE in these things!” stitched across the back pocket?
Of course not. You want your cars and jeans to serve their purpose and not cause you alarm. It should be the same with your cookies. Make them yummy. Make them crunchy. Make them gooey. But don’t apologize for them.
If anything needs a “Yikes” on its package, it would be your Oreo Thin Crisp 100 Calorie Packs. Most people I know reach for the Oreos to drown their sorrows, not to “snack sensibly.” Please. Forget about our health. Just go back to making us fat.
Anyway, thanks again for the Oreo, and keep up the good work!