Can we just go pee in peace?

By Deana Nall
Baytown Sun

Published November 09, 2005

I know what the experts say about moms.

They say we want to have our own identity. They say we want to not feel guilty all time. And they say we would like to hear a “thank you” every once in while for everything we do. Well, maybe. But I know what moms really want. We want to go to the bathroom. In peace.

At our house, when my husband wants to go to the bathroom, he just walks in there and shuts the door. When I want to go to the bathroom, I have to start by making the following announcement to my husband, 6-year-old and 14-month-old:

“I will now leave the room to go into the bathroom. I will be in there for 28 seconds. Please do not need anything during that time.”

Then, before anyone can object, I leave the room and walk into the bathroom.

Closing the bathroom door is tricky. That’s because — and other moms know this — that the “click” of the bathroom doorknob can trigger a response in a 6-year-old’s vocal chords, causing her to screech “Mom! Mom!” over something trivial, such as the fact that the baby is toddling down the hall with a fistful of said 6-year-old’s Polly Pockets.

So closing the door carefully, I try to savor the “me time” all the mom magazines say I need. But I know I won’t make 28 seconds. At about 13 seconds, I’ll hear something like this:

BABY: (crash!) Waaaaah!

SIX-YEAR-OLD: Mommy! Jenna just broke something!

HUSBAND: Deana? Where did you go?

Then I wonder: Did Jenna break a toy? Or one of her own bones? It doesn’t matter. Either way, my 28-second vacation has ended 15 seconds early.

I’ve had it worse. Like the time my husband, our then-2-year-old and our cat all needed something at the same time and decided to join me in our apartment bathroom, which had a square footage slightly larger than that of a Monopoly board. I don’t yell at family members very often. But I did that time.

So how can we remedy this problem?

I think we should look at moms and bathrooms throughout history. Ever feel sorry for those pioneer women who had to use outhouses in the backyard? Stop kidding yourself. They were able to enjoy a bathroom that was completely detached from the house. We 21st Century moms can only dream of such a luxury.

And what about all the royals who have had separate bedrooms and bathrooms? Nikolas II, the last czar of Russia, and his wife Alexandra did.

So do Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth II. Of course, they had an army of nannies to raise their children. I think that’s why she always appears so calm and collected.

We moms could also take a hint from the pioneer women and build outhouses of our own. So we may not get “Yard of the Month.” So what? We’ll be peeing in peace.

You could also have a hidden bathroom built. Like one of those Cold War-era bomb shelters. Except you could call it a “Mom Shelter.”

Let me know when it’s finished. I just might move in.