Sunday, November 15, 2009

Have it your way

Fast-food marketing is getting weird.

Not just weird. It’s getting violent. It’s bearing arms. It’s getting angry.
Here’s the angry Whopper from Burger King. BK isn’t limiting such an intense emotion to their hallmark menu item. BK is actually encouraging customers to “go angry on any sandwich.”

Then there are the weapons of mass destruction. Quiznos has cornered the market on using weapons in fast-food marketing. Try one of their “toasty bullets.”

Or if that’s not enough, have a “torpedo.”

“At least the fast-food industry has left natural disasters alone,” you’re probably thinking. Oh, but you’re wrong. At Taco Bell, you can peruse an entire “Volcano Menu.”

Here’s their description of the “Volcano Taco”:

“A crunchy red corn tortilla shell, filled with seasoned ground beef, crisp lettuce, shredded cheddar cheese and toped (sic) off with our new cheesy, molten hot lava sauce.”

“Molten hot lava” didn’t work out so well for the people of Pompeii. I can’t imagine that it would work well for a taco topping, either. Of course this is the same establishment that offers half-pound burritos and pressures customers to have a “Fourth Meal.” Because Americans don’t eat enough, I guess.

I have to hand it to chains such as Subway, McDonalds and Fazolis, whose food offerings aren’t quite so threatening. Chick-Fil-A is also refreshingly peaceful (although their illiterate cows that “promote literacy” are offensive in themselves.) The most intimidating menu item at Jack in the Box is probably the “Extreme Sausage Sandwich.” But don’t let Wendy’s fool you. I was there with Jenna a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the fact that I wasn’t surrounded by advertisements for food involving violence, weaponry or catastrophic acts of nature.

But then I read my French fry box. And you know what? It made a pass at me.

Advertising their spicy chicken sandwich, my box read “…because we want to satisfy your burning desire.”

Excuse me? My burning desire is none of your business, you twisted piece of cardboard perversion.

Personally, I don't want my food to be angry or prone to violence or sexual harassment. I want my food to be happy and peaceful. And I definitely want it to stay out of my love life.

I also want the Chick-Fil-A cows to learn how to spell, but that's another blog for another time.